encounters with the finite

this morning i watched david foster wallace interviews while I drew pointed black lines above and around my lashline and lit a joint exactly one hour before walking a few blocks to the feminist witchcraft workshop where i remembered that women are invalidated for their experiences at all levels of reality and learned that i am still mystified by the way toxic and amorous energy fold together like they can mask the other when it’s necessary
but i finally understood that burning witches means decommissioning intuition
severing mind/body connection
denial of women’s infinitude
then realized that energy is limited
but intuitively i knew this

today i also learned that sometimes two avocado rolls aren’t enough
and that only 10 people decided to demonstrate against imperialism IRL at 7:00pm
but if the event had a comment section it would likely read “what? idk i can’t keep up with everything. what’s going on there? so it’s like syria?”

okay sure let’s go with syria if that’s your area of expertise
“30 people died in syria today”
“suicide bombing”
“oh that isn’t very much. isn’t there a war there or something? i thought the numbers were higher.”
30 people died in a nightclub (where their country was not occupied and war torn) and you posted a selfie of you crying apologizing to your ____ friends who were affected

virtue signalling works best when you’ve got an audience

our government is arming groups who have annihilated the infrastructure of an entire nation, so that 17 million live in a state of starvation

virtue signalling works far less well in poetry…which has no place for it

today i realized old habits die hard
that is if they die at all
and they hide dormant if not properly exorcised
the problem is that in order to be exorcised they have to be realized
and defined and metamorphisied

“human beings don’t exist without limitation”
the finite: seems to be a common thread
the professor’s voice hits my ears and the ears of the man walking towards me
i look at him with an apology
my headphones are broken and i can’t be alone with my own thoughts and sometimes i disguise this as a thirst for knowledge

my coping mechanisms breathe life into the routine – they fuck things up so i have something to do again
only this time i have a lot of things to do
and this time i don’t know how to feel

today i realized that you and i suffer in ways entirely foreign to each other
despite my best efforts
and believe me when i say i tried
i could never produce something out of nothing
my depression only made me more agreeable
not less
i never understood how to be honest about how i felt without first encountering that feeling like you would jump out of your own skin if you could
i would do this sometimes
grab all my things
and just catch the 22 home

You are not entitled to happiness

As Kant so rightly pointed out

And nothing exists without its opposite

So drink it in and wait for the next turn

the tarot reading said there’s an awakening but it isn’t yet complete or
maybe there needs to be more
“this isn’t a sustainable situation”
the reader says after contemplating
noting that there’s an authenticity that wants desperately to transcend the fear of “being found out”
“it’s all very cerebral”
it’s all mind this time
i think i need some time
i learned a lot today but not
about you


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